Evidence. That’s what our beliefs are based on. From these beliefs spring behaviors. Some healthy, some unhealthy.

From earlier Tips, you learned that people who live passively do so because somewhere in their past they have learned that other types of behavior (assertively or aggressively) was potentially harmful to their physical and/or emotional health. So, in order to avoid the negative consequences of living assertively or aggressively, they learned to live passively.

For example, when we grow up with a parent who is verbally or physically abusive, we quickly learn that standing up for ourselves brings retribution. In order to avoid negative retribution, we have to find other ways of getting along, and living passively seems to work. Our rationale is, “If I’m nice and non-confrontational, my mom or dad will be happy with me and therefore I won’t be yelled at or hit.” Certainly, in an environment with an unhealthy parent, this is logically the only option we have, so it does work for us…then.

The problem is, however, as we get older and move out of that unhealthy environment we continue to use unhealthy behaviors because they are now so automatic. And because they are so automatic, we don’t acknowledge the new evidence that they AREN’T working for us on many levels.

To clarify, we adopted the unhealthy behavior of living passively to avoid being:

• Emotionally abused (rejected, neglected, disrespected, made to feel poorly, abandoned or threatened)
• Physically abused (hit, spanked in anger, punched, kicked, slapped, or otherwise assaulted)
• Verbally abused (yelled at, insulted, berated, or demeaned)
• Sexually abused (fondled, raped, molested, taken advantage of)

So while living passively may have helped to prevent the above behaviors from being directed towards us as children, the question is, does living passively work for us NOW…as adults?

Let’s again look at the evidence of living passively. Does living passively today reduce the likelihood of being:

• Emotionally abused (rejected, neglected, disrespected, made to feel poorly, abandoned, or threatened)
• Physically abused (hit, spanked in anger, punched, kicked, slapped, or otherwise assaulted)
• Verbally abused (yelled at, insulted, berated, or demeaned)
• Sexually abused (fondled, raped, molested, or taken advantage of)

In reality, none of us has any guarantees that the above won’t occur, even as adults. However, certain behaviors will better protect us against these abuses. Unfortunately, living passively isn’t one of them. Sadly, living passively actually sets us up FOR being abused. In fact, submissive people are generally taken advantage of MORE OFTEN than those who live assertively or aggressively.

The evidence indicates that living passively IS harmful to your health, and not just from a stress or anxiety perspective.

And if setting ourselves up for more abuse isn’t enough, consider the additional pieces of evidence as to why living passively is unhealthy:

• 99.99 percent of those who develop an anxiety disorder do so because of interpersonal relationship problems (problems interacting with others). Of those, the great majority live passively.
• Living passively CAUSES anxiety. (Remember, anxiety is NOT an illness, disease, or something we “inherit.” Anxiety is a result. It is CAUSED by unhealthy behaviors. Living passively is one of those unhealthy behaviors.)
• Living passively causes unhappiness and insecurity.
• Living passively damages self-esteem.
• Living passively erodes confidence.
• Living passively is NOT a guarantee that we’ll be safe.
• Living passively DOES NOT guarantee that we'll be loved and accepted.
• Living passively invites manipulation and control by others.
• Living passively causes a loss of respect.
• Living passively undermines healthy relationships.
• Living passively causes us to feel out of control.

Conclusion: Living passively is harmful to our overall health and happiness. Living passively is unhealthy.

Based on all of the evidence, isn’t it time to change this unhealthy behavior? Isn’t it time to live the kind of life you want and deserve?

The good news is, you can. All that is requires is the desire to change an unhealthy behavior into a healthy one, then learning how to do it.

For those who have decided enough is enough, we’re going to start our transformation from living passively to living assertively next week.

Have a great week.