“Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward.”
Soren Kierkegaard

Last week, we said that discovering the WHEN and HOW of living passively is an important step toward making positive change to this unhealthy behavior. Hillary’s personal experience was just one example of how this type of behavior can become learned then habituated.

Here are some other examples, taken from the submissions we received from last week’s questionnaire (names and personal information have been removed to protect the identity of the submitter).

We extend a special thanks to all of those who submitted their personal experiences. We appreciate your willingness to share with our readers.

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When:
I think I always lived passively.  I was very shy and sensitive as a child.   

How:
I was brought up in a loving home with proper behavior expectations.  There was the threat of spanking, but I can't even remember receiving one.  I think I always behaved because I didn't want to disappoint my parents.  That would have been awful for me.  My parents really loved each other and they came first before the kids.  There was rarely any conflict in the house so I never really learned how to argue. 

I am most comfortable in a peaceful, happy environment.  My mom was not too confident about trying new things, but once she did she was fine.  I am the baby of the family, with a brother and sister a number of years older than me.  Sometimes when there were conversations around the dinner table I didn't feel heard or important.  In school I received praise for being a polite, quiet, smart student.

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When:
I learned to live passively when I was in 4th grade.

How:
When I was young, my parents had a very ugly divorce. Prior to their divorce they fought often. My dad had an affair and that was the beginning of the end. When he left, I remember thinking the arguing is what caused him to leave. I had eleven brothers and sisters. I was number eight. When dad moved out, you could feel the tension in the house. My brothers and sisters often fought each other. I would intervene to keep the peace and would never have thought to stick up for myself. I wanted to keep the peace...growing up I felt that was my job in the family.

I married when I was 20 years old. I have been married for over 20 years, and have kids.  It's funny... I feel it’s still my job to keep the peace.

I never stick up for myself at home and I'm very unhappy. I have children still living at home and I feel my wife is a bully...really!

If you knew me...these comments would surprise you. At work, people always tell me how calm and collected I am...they don't understand...I'm still trying to keep the peace.

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When:
12 years old.

How:
When I was 12 yrs old, my parents separated.  They went through a very bitter divorce where my four sisters and I were constantly put in the middle.  My father was very upset and angry all the time so we would have to watch what we said to him to not make him mad.  I was constantly asked, by my parents, who I wanted to live with. I was always afraid of hurting their feelings so I never told the truth. I only wanted everyone to stop arguing and to be happy.

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When:
As a child, my father didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks when I failed to show up for exams because I was afraid that I wouldn’t pass.

How:
Being passive kept me at a safe distance from him. It helped me not get beaten or ridiculed by him.

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When:
Three or four years old.

How:
When I was 3 and 4 years old, my father always beat me when I was playing quietly in my room, and he never give me an explanation for the beating. It was very violent and I never told my mother about it. I always asked him why he was beating me, but he never told me.

When I was 5 years old my parents divorced. My mother, brother, and I moved to the town where my grandparents lived. My mother left me at my grandparents for about 3 years and she came to visit me once in a while.
           
My grandparents never talked to me about anything and they never listened to me. They were always busy. My grandfather drank alcohol a lot and was always almost unconscious. My grandmother was a teacher. She loved children and talked to them and always listened to them, but not me. She loved other children. It was never me! I don’t want to say that my grandparents did not love me, they did. I have some nice memories with them and they were good people. My grandfather was funny. I think that they were overwhelmed with problems.
When I was in school, the other children laughed at me because I didn’t have a father. I started to beat up on those children who laughed at me. And from then on, I stayed alone for the rest of my school years, even at university. Always in the last bench, always not talking with anybody. It seemed nobody liked me, even when I went to another school. They didn’t even know about my father. I was confused and ashamed. Some even thought I was more superior to them.           

When I was in grade six to grade eight, I was moved back with my mother and brother. My mother was depressed and she wanted to commit suicide. She threatened us that she would lie down on the railroad tracks and be run over. My brother and I took all the keys from our house and hid them. We also stayed in front of the doors for hours, crying and begging mom not to commit suicide.
           
My mom also beat my brother and me because he wouldn’t cry. I was told to sit still and wasn’t supposed to move. When I did, she became angry and beat me, too.

I had many things in my life that taught me to live passively.

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When:
I learned to live passively in early childhood. I was to told children were to “stay in their place” and “speak when they were spoken to.” So that's what I learned to do. I certainly didn't get in to trouble and it seemed like it worked.

How:
I spoke when I thought I it was okay for me to speak. It seems, as I got older, it was easier to agree with friends, family members, or whoever. I probably went along with things I didn't really want to go along with. It was a lot easier than telling someone “no,” or feeling like I'm letting someone down. I learned it was okay to let myself down. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I sacrificed my own. I was so used to letting my feelings go until it didn't seem right for me to stand up for myself.

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When:
As a child.

How:
Not able to disagree or make decisions as a child. So that there would be no conflict.

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When:
As a child and through the family.

How:
Listened to my mother, and getting family opinions.

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When:
When I was a small child.

How:
My father had obsessive rules about even minute details like blowing your nose and using toilet paper properly.  He didn’t want us to break even those rules.  He was an obsessive-compulsive personality. He also had an explosive temper, and he berated my mother and sisters.  He also was abusive and knocked my sisters around when they didn't want to cooperate.  I wanted to protect myself from Dad, so I was very compliant to avoid confrontation and to be accepted.  I saw how he rejected my mother and my sisters if they didn’t live up to his expectations.  I sometimes 'messed up' in his eyes and thus received his wrath.  His corrections were not in love and his love was conditional.  I wanted to earn love, so I became more compliant and passive.

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When:
At a very young age.

How:
My father is an abusive person. My brothers and I suffered mental, physical, and verbal abuse ever since I can remember. I learned at an early age to keep my mouth shut and be submissive, never argue, never to talk back, and do whatever I was told.

As I became older, confrontation with my father was inevitable. My father tried to kill himself a couple of times. I managed to complete school and started working immediately. I eventually left home by joining the army. I felt guilty for leaving my three younger brothers and mother.

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When:
As a kid

How:
Now looking back into my life and going to counseling, I see it so clearly.  I was raised by a very dominant mother and an alcoholic father.  My dad died when I was 11, which sadly I think was probably for the best as he hit my mom and there was always chaos in my house.  If we didn't listen, my mom would yell, then the wooden spoon came out and when mom said “wait until your father gets home,” you knew you were getting a beating, even if it was always on the butt and only with my dads hand. 

Once when dad was drunk, he locked my mom out of the house.  She cried and tried to get back in, but couldn't.  My dad went to bed and so I snuck to the side door and let her in and she slept in the back bedroom.  Then my dad found out mom was in the house and he freaked, wanting to know who let her in.  I was 9 or 10 and I couldn't lie to my dad and admitted it.  I'll never forget he grabbed me by my ankles at the foot of my bed and pulled me off.  I was so scared, I knew I was going to get the beating of my life.  Luckily, my mom stepped in and then the cops came. 

My dad was so mean at times, but he was also very loving.  Every Sunday we did something as a family.  Every single Sunday.  My dad never just plopped in front of the TV to watch sports.  I like to remember him on those days, when he taught us to fish, swim, took us for country drives, and let us ride his back as he pretended to be a horse. Or the times he would take a whole bunch of dollar bills, through them up in the air and as many as we could collect, we got to keep in our piggy banks.  He wasn't always such a bad person.

Now, I’m much older and have a 14 year old ADHD child. I’m learning so much, I know my mom and brother also have ADHD, even though they have never been diagnosed.  Anywhere my mom is, there is commotion.  Even though she would do anything for me or my siblings, she is a very demanding, talkative, and nervous person.

Also, being raised in a family of 3 children, no father, and with a mother who worked day and night and was always tired, there was yelling all the time in my house. It was either us yelling at mom, her yelling at us, or us siblings always fighting. 

As a teenager, I was chunky and basically just plain looking.  I always compromised and never made my boyfriends upset with me, because I was afraid no one else would love me.  Of course, none of them really did. 

Thankfully, I now have a wonderful husband who loves me, have been married for many years, and have beautiful children.  I did seek counseling years ago, as I was having such problems when dealing with work, kids, and yelling all the time.  I would feel so guilty and cry that I did that. I would scream like a lunatic, crying, and throwing things.  I also started to feel as if I didn't belong on this earth. I knew I had to get help. 

My excessive terrible thoughts are few and far between, and not as bad.  I still back off when confronted because I can't deal with it and I don't like anyone to be upset with me. But at least now, I can think 'oh well' instead of staying upset and constantly going over in my head that I'm no good.

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When:
I firmly believe that living passively was an innate quality with me. I had two parents that both lived passive lives so you know the old saying “you live what you learn”.

How:
Again, I believe I learned by association. That's the way my parents lived life - both were people-pleasers which I have become to the nth degree. I am now older and in a constant state of passivity which makes me constantly anxious - vicious cycle! I was in a marriage for many years and tried for a number of them to get out. I truly believe that if he hadn't left I would still be with him. I have been in a relationship now for a number of years and know it is not the right person for me, but I don't know how to end it. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I just don't know how to confront him. Thus, I'm holding myself back and him as well.

I am going to start seeing a therapist in the next month or so, and I'm hoping that with some serious talk and some cognitive behavior therapy, I can break this cycle.

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We’ll continue with our series on passive living and unhealthy behaviors next time.

Have a great week.